Forgiveness and Moving Forward

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in personal growth—and one of the most essential.

We think forgiveness means saying what happened was okay. It doesn't.
We think forgiveness means trusting the person again. It doesn't.
We think forgiveness is something we do for the other person. It isn't.

Forgiveness is the decision to release the debt someone owes you—not because they deserve it, but because carrying that debt is destroying you.

What Forgiveness Is Not

It's not excusing. Forgiveness doesn't mean what they did was acceptable. You can forgive AND acknowledge that what happened was wrong.

It's not forgetting. "Forgive and forget" is bad advice. You can forgive and still remember—in fact, remembering helps you establish healthy boundaries.

It's not reconciliation. Forgiveness is a one-person job. Reconciliation requires two. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have them in your life.

It's not instant. Deep wounds require deep healing. Forgiveness is often a process, not a moment. You may need to choose it repeatedly.

It's not a feeling. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. You can decide to forgive while still feeling hurt, angry, or sad.

What Forgiveness Actually Is

Forgiveness is releasing your claim to repayment.

When someone wrongs you, they create a debt. They owe you—an apology, an explanation, justice, restoration. Holding onto unforgiveness is holding onto that debt, waiting for payment that may never come.

Forgiveness is deciding: "You owe me. But I'm releasing that debt. Not because you deserve it, but because I refuse to let this own me anymore."

This is why forgiveness is really about your freedom, not theirs.

The Cost of Unforgiveness

Holding onto unforgiveness has real consequences:

It keeps you stuck in the past. While you replay what happened and fantasize about revenge, life passes you by.

It poisons other relationships. Bitterness doesn't stay contained. It leaks into how you treat everyone.

It gives them power. Every moment you spend angry at them, they're controlling your emotions—often without even knowing it.

It damages your health. Research links chronic unforgiveness to higher blood pressure, weakened immune function, and increased risk of depression.

It blocks spiritual growth. Jesus was clear: "If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:15). Unforgiveness creates a spiritual blockage.

The Process of Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge what happened

Don't minimize or spiritualize away your pain. Name the wrong fully. What did they do? How did it affect you? What did it cost you?

Forgiveness that skips acknowledgment isn't forgiveness—it's suppression.

2. Feel the feelings

Anger, grief, sadness, betrayal—these emotions need to be felt, not bypassed. Let yourself experience them fully, whether through journaling, prayer, therapy, or trusted conversation.

3. Make the decision

At some point, you choose. Not because you feel like it, but because you refuse to let this person and this event define your future.

"I forgive you" doesn't mean "What you did was okay." It means "I'm releasing my claim to repayment. I'm choosing freedom."

4. Process the ongoing feelings

After you decide to forgive, difficult feelings will return. This doesn't mean you haven't forgiven. It means you're human.

When old feelings surface, remind yourself of your decision: "I've forgiven this. I'm not going back to carrying this debt."

5. Establish appropriate boundaries

Forgiveness doesn't require you to put yourself in harm's way again. You can forgive the alcoholic parent and still limit contact. You can forgive the abusive ex and still never speak to them again.

Forgiveness releases the debt. Wisdom protects the future.

When Forgiveness Is Hard

Some offenses are so severe that forgiveness seems impossible. Abuse. Betrayal. Violence. Loss.

For these deep wounds, remember:

- Forgiveness is a process, not a moment
- Professional help (therapy, counseling) is not weakness
- God's grace is available for things beyond your natural capacity
- You can be in process and still be faithful

The Freedom on the Other Side

People who have genuinely forgiven deep wounds often describe a sense of lightness—like setting down a heavy burden they'd carried so long they forgot it was there.

That freedom is available to you.

Not cheap freedom that pretends nothing happened. Real freedom that acknowledges the full weight of the offense and chooses to release it anyway.

Forgiveness isn't about them. It's about your freedom. It's about refusing to let their actions control your future.

Choose freedom. Choose forgiveness.